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10971 questions answered

People are always approaching me and asking, "JP, how come the hair on your arms and legs only reaches a certain length, but the hair on your head continues to grow until you do something about it?" As I thought of ways to explain this complicated answer in simple terms, it occured to me that people might also have other questions. Could I continue to let the general public wander around in blind ignorance while I, JP Garwood, could possibly hold the key to their enlightenment? I have decided that, yes, I could let them do so, because it would be funny, but I will not. I will try to answer the pressing questions of the masses as best as I can. Which is why mindface and I have developed the "Ask JP" forum here on jpgarwood.org. Go ahead and ask me anything you like, from the deeply spiritual to the shallow religious. Ask about our friends mindface, household cleaning tips, recipes, open-heart surgery, whatever. I will do my best to provide clear answers in a language that you and I can mutually agree upon. I am looking forward to hearing from you. Yes, even you.

XXOX,
JP Garwood
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Recent Questions

Dear JP,

Is this the last question of 2015?

Signed,

Me Del

2015-12-31


Yes it was, and the first answer of 2016, and the last question and answer of them all. Hope you enjoyed it.

JP Garwood

2016-01-01

Dear JP,

What was I thinking?

Signed,

Mrs. JP Garwood-to-be

2015-12-26


Are you familiar with the saying, "Those who think do. Those who can't think sit on the ground and drool."? You probably aren't as it has only been a saying for a few hours, and only in the extreme southern regions of Paraguay.... If you are like most people you were probably thinking about either food, sex, money, work, family, trombone, The Baltimore Orioles, omnivores, The Three Stooges, the six times table, or Star Wars. It is said by people both in and out of Paraguay, that at any given moment someone somewhere is thinking about one of these topics. Maybe that person is you.

JP Garwood

2015-12-31

Dear JP,

Who had a bigger hand in the breakup of the Beatles- Yoko Ono or Billy Preston?

Signed,

Uncle Sloppy

2015-12-25


A study done by science professors at the University and Used Furniture Shop of East Maryland has finally given us the answer to this question. Though the professors admitted that the tests were performed while "drunk and bored" the results could not be more clear. Each of the hands of those involved, Preston, Ono, and each of The Beatles were tested. As a control the hands of Justin Timberlake and Eli Manning were to be tested as well. It turned out that Manning had the biggest hands of anyone tested including Paul "Big Hands" McCartney. However since Eli Manning was not yet born at the time of the breakup of The Beatles, he was ruled innocent. Justine Timberlake was also to be tested, although he got nervous and escaped through a first floor window and into a nearby creek. Since he is also too young to have broken up The Beatles, the professors just let him go. Of the remaining subjects, Yoko Ono actually had the smallest hands. Smaller in fact than John "Tiny Hands" Lennon. Mr. Billy Preston had the largest hands of any of the remaining subjects, and it was determined once and for all that he had the biggest hand in breaking up The Beatles.

JP Garwood

2015-12-31

Dear JP,

Hey, remember Nubby Ace Dallas-Sweeney? I wonder whatever happened to that dude.

Signed,

Tupac Shostakovich

2015-12-22


Oh yes, I remember him. Not much is known about him these days except for his exact location and movements. Hake Molecular, assistant chief of nonsense for the FBI, says that there is no reason to track Mr. Dallas-Sweeney but that it is "good practice". Another spokesman for the FBI, who popped out from behind a bush when assistant chief Molecular was speaking, said that tracking Mr. Dallas-Sweeney gives agents a chance to track someone as most of them get to do very little tracking in their regular, off-duty lives. According to Agent Molecular and the other spokesman, who kept interrupting each other, Mr. Dallas-Sweeney makes many trips to the supermarket, sometimes going at a rate of twice per week. The unnamed spokesman said that while Mr. Dallas-Sweeney does occasionally come home with dish detergent and cucumbers, "his purchases are not at all limited to those items".

JP Garwood

2015-12-31

Dear JP,

You still have a cable box? Seriously?

Signed,

Comb Bernardo

2015-12-10


The thing I point my remote at is box-shaped. I don't know if the thing is called a cable box or not. Perhaps it has some other name, a fancy name for a fancy time, but it is still shaped like a box. I know that if I do not point my remote at this box, but instead at some other object, let's say my bellybutton, that the channels do not change. If I was watching one thing, and it ended, and I did not wish to watch the next thing, I would need to point my remote at the box-shaped thing in order to either change the channel or turn the television off. How I wish I could point my remote at any object and change the way that object is seen, but I cannot. The only thing the remote is good for is pointing it at the box-shaped object that may or may not be called a cable box. I do know that if I call it a cable box it does the same thing it does if I call it a modem, or a flamingo, or a Canadian Secret Service Agent.

JP Garwood

2015-12-21

Dear JP,

I gotta tell ya something, and I'm not trying to be funny or anything, but I honestly don't understand Rick Santorum's whole paper towel and napkin thing. Could you explain it to me?

Signed,

Bob

2015-12-10


You have to keep in mind that Rick Santorum is one of those people that is smart, so you wonder why he says things that are so incredibly stupid. There seem to be a lot of those types of people on television. It probably helps to get you air time. What he meant was this.... A napkin is an absorbent thing meant to clean you up after you put marinara sauce on the corners of your mouth. You can call that napkin a paper towel if you'd like, but that doesn't change the fact that it is a napkin. Now in his mind the napkin represented marriage, and the paper towel homosexual marriage. You can call marriage by another name if you'd like, but that doesn't change the fact that it is meant to be one thing. Yes, there are holes in his analogy. For instance a napkin is a towel, and a paper napkin and a paper towel are the same damn thing. You can use either one for any job that calls for paper absorbent material. Also calling homosexual marriage a marriage is still calling it a marriage. It is not calling it a brand new thing, it is calling it the same thing it always was. I think that Mr. Santorum thinks the Bible is on his side, and it may well be, but so what? We should not be basing our laws, or our definition of paper products, on what the Bible says. The Bible says a lot of completely silly things, and we don't have to base our lives around them. Try this little experiment next time you spill baked beans on your linoleum floor. Get out a paper napkin, say to it out loud, "You are a paper towel", then try wiping up the spill. See what happens.

JP Garwood

2015-12-21

Dear JP,

Do you pick the woman who loves you or the woman you love?

Signed,

Abigail Fartzilla

2015-11-22


This question is assuming two things. First it is assuming that the woman who loves you and the woman you love are two different people. It also assumes that these two people are both viable options. Let us continue the assumption that they are two different people for a moment. It would sound as if the woman you love does not necessarily love you. She may be married to another. She may be experiencing her own dilemma about who to choose with you in the "one who loves me" role. She may be in prison for tax evasion. She may have a secret life, like the one of a superhero or mystery diner. She may not love you at all, and therefore she is not really an option. The woman who loves you may also not be an option. Perhaps you don't love her. Maybe she done you wrong. Maybe years ago she poisoned your goldfish and ate your oyster crackers. Maybe it was the other way around. Maybe she loves you now but you just can't forgive her for what she has done. Maybe you just don't think of her in that special sort of way, but instead think of her as the one you would most likely choose third for your softball team. The best choice, and the one you didn't provide as an option, would be if the woman who loved you was also the woman you loved. That sure would make things a lot easier.

JP Garwood

2015-12-03

Dear JP,

What is redemption?

Signed,

Roscoe

2015-11-22


As a child I was never able to beat my friend in Atari football. No matter what strategy I chose, and there were really only two to choose from, I lost. I wanted so very much to come out on top just once, but it seemed that against me he was destined to go undefeated. So I practiced and practiced against the computer. I started figuring out little glitches in the system that would give me an advantage. I started not just to beat the computer, but to dominate it. I felt I was ready. Then my family went on vacation to Vermont for a week. The same day we left my friend called and said that they were moving. When I returned from Vermont he was gone. I heard from him only once after that and never saw him again. I now had never beaten him in Atari football. So I challenged my younger sister and beat her by a hundred. That, dear friend, is redemption.

JP Garwood

2015-12-03

Dear JP,

ISIS is actually a bunch of guys in Montclair named Bob -- don't tell, okay?

Signed,

Bobs

2015-11-21


I am afraid I am going to tell. You can't see me because I am not in your line of sight, but my hand is raised right now, ad I am just waiting for someone to call on me. When that time comes I will spill the beans. When the beans are cleaned up we will see who is who in Montclair.

JP Garwood

2015-11-27

Dear JP,

If you found yourself in a cowboy movie, who would you rather be --- the yourself in the cowboy movie or the yourself that found yourself in the cowboy movie?

Signed,

Comb Bernardo

2015-11-20


Definitely the me who found myself in the cowboy movie. This gives me a huge advantage over the other characters. I would know about things that happened in scenes that other characters were not in, assuming I had been watching the movie before I was pulled into it. I see no other way for me to end up in a cowboy movie unless I had already been watching and there was a bolt of lightning that hit my cable box or a spell put on me by a witch. I would know what the bad guys plot was ahead of time, and could decide whether or not I would join them or just go have a drink and wait for the end of the movie. I think my biggest fear would be what happens to me when the movie ends. Would I stay there in that world and use my vastly superior knowledge to rule the people like a God? Would I simply cease to exist when the movie ended? Where would I appear in the credits? These would be the nagging questions for me.

JP Garwood

2015-11-27

Dear JP,

Pardon,sir,but what does "Pooh" mean?

Signed,

Winnie The

2015-11-15


Sometimes it is used as a slang term for "bowel movement" because for some reason "bowel movement" is even more embarrassing to say. In your case I don't think it was meant to mean that however. I think in your case it is just a nonsense word. It was a truly bad choice of nonsense words, but a nonsense word none the less. I think you are just a lovable yellow bear that lives in the woods with his friends. You are not in fact a "pooh". That isn't meant to be your title. It is just a nonsense name. Be glad that Mr. Milne didn't choose "Winnie the Twat".

JP Garwood

2015-11-27

Dear JP,

Well, okay, Mr. Smarty Pants, what do you think the pyramids were built for?

Signed,

Ben Carson, Presidnet of the Untied States of Amrica

2015-11-08


While I agree that the pyramids were built by Joseph from the Bible, I don't think anyone disputes that, I don't think that they were used for grain storage as you put forward. I think the fact that they found mummified remains in the pyramids indicates that the purpose of the structures was to house all the horror movie props that Joseph used in his amateur film making. As further evidence of this I will say that I believe it, so that means that there must be some truth to it. That now makes it just as valid a theory as yours.

JP Garwood

2015-11-27

Dear JP,

Was that me on Saturday Night Live?

Signed,

Donald Trump, Presidnet of the Untied States of Amrica

2015-11-08


I don't know. I don't think I have seen Saturday Night Live since 1990. There is only so much not funny material a person can watch, and luckily I got my quota in before things went really bad on the show. It may have been you. I think that the show still features people. It sounds like something you would do, and that Mike Huckabee would want to do but nobody would ask him to. I hope you had a good time, as doing it seems like sort of a waste if you didn't. Too bad Dan Akroyd isn't still around the show, you could have gotten a few good fat jokes in.

JP Garwood

2015-11-19

Dear JP,

Would you say you're more two-thousand-and-eight or two-thousand-and- late?

Signed,

Uncle Sloppy

2015-11-04


I am going to answer this question as if it were two-thousand-and-eight. I am two-thousand-and-late. I am never up with the times. I know I should try to be, but if I started now it would be two-thousand-and-ten while it was two-thousand-and-eighteen. Once you are late it is very hard to catch up.

JP Garwood

2015-11-11

Dear JP,

Why do the Mets suck so hard?

Signed,

Bob

2015-11-02


In spring training, when every team can believe that this may be their year, I , a life long Yankees fan and paint roller aficionado, snuck into the Mets training facility and cut small slits into all their drinking straws. This took quite some time as each player had their own straw, plus the team carried seven hundred and eighty thousand extras. Luckily I remembered to bring an an extra sock and draped it over a fence causing just the distraction I needed to buy some time. As anyone who has ever had a small hole in their drinking straw can attest it is very hard to get any liquid up through the straw no matter how hard one might suck. This was my plan. It was my intention to get the Mets to suck harder and harder knowing that their fruit punches and strawberry milks were never going to get up the straws and into the mouths of the players. It was just my way of leveling the playing field this season. Normally it would not be up to me to insure competitive balance in Major League Baseball, but this season it just happened to fall on me.

JP Garwood

2015-11-10

Dear JP,

Why are doctors so fascinated with asses? On the day you re born they slap it, then for the next few years they insist on either sticking thermometers up it or needles into it, then you get a reprieve for a few years but they eventually come back with a vengence and start sticking their fingers up it. They are all just a bunch of ass- fetishists aren't they?

Signed,

One Fly Mutha

2015-10-30


I don't doubt that some of them are. The ones that are are unfortunately not easy to spot. They do tend to have greasier hair than other doctors, but that can be easily overlooked. The good thing is that most doctors are not ass fetishists. They are just doctors doing their doctor things. I have a feeling that sticking a finger up an ass is not the highlight of most of their days. These doctors have to go home at the end of the day. They have to have spaghetti and watch television like the rest of us. Imagine you had your finger up nine guys asses during the day and had to go home and eat and pretend like everything is normal. It is not easy for the doctor either. Remember that the next time you pop into your doctor's office for a visit.

JP Garwood

2015-11-05

Dear JP,

Bruce Springsteen sucks. How he gonna title one album "Born to Run", then, like, ten short years later, title another album "Born in the USA"? Where and exactly how and with what purpose were you born, Boss? Born to Suck seems more like it.

Signed,

Uncle Sloppy

2015-10-25


I was born in the USA as well, and I do not believe that this is the purpose for which I was born. If it was then I accomplished that goal pretty early, and have had a lot of time to putter around. I think one can be born in this country, and still feel free to run around. Look at all those games of tag being played by little American children both fat and not fat. Those kids are running. I'm not sure that they were born with that sole purpose in mind, but they are doing it. I don't think that any of us are born with a purpose. We are just born, and can create our own purpose, or not have one at all. Things seem to go a little better when you have a purpose, but one doesn't need a purpose to continue to live. If we were born with one that would seem to be a rip-off. What if your purpose was stupid? What if it truly was just to be born in the USA. That is easy. Mr. Springsteen can name his albums anything he chooses. They could all have "born" in the title for all I care. Let him find his own purpose. He will like it better that way.

JP Garwood

2015-11-05

Dear JP,

Bruce Springsteen sucks. How he gonna release an album named after Asbury Park, then like three years later release an album named "Nebraska"? What kinda lazy-ass state-album-naming shit is that? Pick a state Boss, you can't have it both ways.

Signed,

Uncle Sloppy

2015-10-25


I just carefully looked over my giant floor puzzle of the United States, and it turns out that Asbury Park is not a state. It is located within a state to be sure, but it is not a state in and of itself. Therefore I believe Mr. Springsteen and company did pick a state. They picked Nebraska. This makes them the only people to date whom have ever chosen Nebraska when given a choice between Nebraska and literally anywhere else.

JP Garwood

2015-11-05

Dear JP,

I went to the only NJ- approved medical marijuana facility last week and i saw a sign out front that said "Keep off the Grass." Isn't that a bit confusing?

Signed,

TRUMP!!!!

2015-10-12


Yes it is. I know that there is a sign shop not far from were the marijuana facility is located. It recently had a sale to rid itself of old, outdated inventory so that they could restock with some more up-to-date signs. This is probably where the sign you saw came from. That would explain the use of the term "grass". It would also explain why I saw an "Irish Need Not Apply" sign at the coffee shop around the corner. I was thinking of applying. Guess I will have to look elsewhere. There was also a sign advertising season tickets for the New Jersey Generals on the supermarket bulletin board. I am pretty sure you can get those things for free nowadays.

JP Garwood

2015-10-16

Dear JP,

Exactly which city was it that Jefferson Starship built on rock n roll? It wasn't Benghazi was it? Because we still don't really know what happened in Benghazi, do we? I mean, we definitely do know, but do we REALLY know?

Signed,

Jake Hilarious

2015-10-06


Relax your bowels Mr. Hilarious it wasn't Benghazi. You are right that even though we pour through the same evidence day after day for months on end we still can't know sure what happened in Benghazi. What if there were werewolves or demons of some sort that we had full knowledge of? What's worse what if there were demons, werewolves, or gay rights sympathizers there and we knew the incantations to keep them at bay and we purposely did not use them? That could be the case even though the evidence doesn't support anything like that. We can't know for sure what happened in Benghazi because we have yet to explore every option non-fiction or otherwise. Rest assured that Benghazi was not the city built on rock n' roll however. That was Harrisburg, PA, and things are still going just fine there. There are no reports of monsters, poison dart frogs, or Hollywood liberal elites anywhere near the area. It is still a city purely consisting of rock n' roll, and may it forever stand.

JP Garwood

2015-10-08

Dear JP,

Is this how the world is going to end?... just you and me sitting around in our underoos typing on our computers?

Signed,

One Fly Mutha

2015-09-29


Possibly. Although I doubt that the two of us on computers is what will bring about the end of the world. It just may be that we are on computers when it happens. I still think that the end of the world is going to come because people are incredibly stupid. That being said, I would like to think that I am doing something more entertaining than sitting around on a computer when the end comes. I have a feeling that shortly before the end the power will go out anyway, and I never remember to have anything charged. I would like to think I am going to be out playing with the animals, or on the greatest bumper car run of my life. If I am on the computer at the time of the end I hope I am not checking my empty inbox or reading an article about fucking Donald Trump. I hope that I am at least doing something enjoyable, like looking at pictures of puppies, orangutans, or Olivia Munn.

JP Garwood

2015-10-07

Dear JP,

is it true that you are really just Tom Bodett in disguise?

Signed,

One Fly Mutha

2015-09-29


To be honest it is only a half-truth. I am in disguise, yes, but not as Tom Bodett. I would not dare to compare myself to someone of such stature. Instead my disguise is just a hodge-podge of other disguises that were laying around. I have a pirate hat, a surgical mask, an Arizona Diamondbacks away jersey, gray cargo pants, and bowling shoes made for a sizable man. I don't know if you can put a name to my disguise, and if you could it certainly would not be Tom Bodett. However now that I have revealed that I am in disguise I will have to alter my costume in order to once again be unrecognizable. Maybe I will change the mask. It was very hard getting the Fig Newtons into my mouth with that thing on anyway.

JP Garwood

2015-10-07

Dear JP,

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Signed,

Uncle Leo

2015-09-29


Normally in this situation I would say no, but that is because I tend to do a lot of lying. The real answer is yes. Illiterate people get the same amount of effect from alphabet soup as the rest of us. This is because the pasta letters in the soup tend to float up in random patterns. The "every word needs a vowel" and "y's can't be written upside down" rules are not in use. Therefore the letters do not form actual words, and the reader would have nothing real to read anyway. If anything the alphabet soup only reinforces the bad reading ability of illiterate people. If they try to read what is there they will get nothing. If they pretend to read what is there, and make up something coherent, a witness will easily debunk their statement leading to shame and embarrassment in the illiterate person. The illiterate among us should probably just avoid alphabet soup as well as "Mad Libs" and "The Great Gatsby".

JP Garwood

2015-10-07

Dear JP,

JP?

Signed,

A BIG FAN

2015-09-29


Oh hey there. I must have nodded off for a bit. Come in, come in, it is good to see you. I'm sorry for not noticing you were here, it is just the era of this site that we are in now. We have been through many. We had our rookie season. We had our silver age. We had our winter of discontent. Now we seem to be in the "fall asleep with the TV on" stage. We all get there. It just means that there are not many more stages to go through. We are like the butterfly that has reached the end of being a butterfly to discover that there isn't anything left after that. Sure he may feel a bit ripped-off, but what is the little thing going to do? He isn't fierce, and he isn't noisy. He can't complain because nobody would hear him, and so he just turns on his little butterfly television and falls asleep to some crap that he wasn't interested in in the first place. I am glad you woke me up. I am quite hungry. Do you want something? I am sure that there is some type of cracker here that you would find to your liking. If there is anything we have learned it is that nobody dislikes every type of cracker.

JP Garwood

2015-09-29

Dear JP,

Do you wanna come over an play star wars again? I got the x-wing fighter for my birthday.

Signed,

Salsam

2015-09-05


Gee I don't know Salsam. Last time I was over at your house I didn't have a very good time. You said you got to use all the Jedi and Rebels while I had to lay face down in the backyard. After that your mom made peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with fat free peanut butter and mint jelly. I didn't really like them. I asked if I could be Chewbacca for just a little while, and you said that if I was your sister would wake up from her nap and be eaten by baboons. I was really scared, but when I left your house there was no sign of baboon droppings anywhere. I think I am just going to go over to Warthmocker's house. He as a pretty cool swing set, his mom makes grilled cheese, and when we play Star Wars I get to be all the Darths. You have no idea what power there is in the dark side of the force Salsam.

JP Garwood

2015-09-17

Dear JP,

What is the worst personality characteristic of a door lock? I think it would be 'a sense of humor'. I would hate my bathroom door to unlock just for shits and giggles when I'm on the throne

Signed,

Sr. Percylee Hartbreaker

2015-09-02


I would think that it would be homicidal tendencies. It really puts getting seen while peeing in perspective. My great aunt Yellow used to say, "It is better to get peeked in on than to be strangled with a belt". I think those are wise words and still relevant today.

JP Garwood

2015-09-15

Dear JP,

What is on the 'bottom-rung' of karmic reincarnation? It's a toilet, isn't it?

I couldn't image starting life in a porcelain factory with all the hope and enthusiasm that a new life promises. Not knowing the fate that awaits: having to live the rest on my life in the same small room looking at nothing but assholes, and nothing to look forward to but the occasional toilet brush and maybe some blue water . The same torture day-in and day-out until 50 years later someone decides to put me out out of my misery and send me to a landfill.

Signed,

One Fly Mutha

2015-08-31


I will admit that it has been a long time since I have read the karmic reincarnation rule book. I think I put it inside my Monopoly: Red Dawn Edition box. I often put rule books in games that they don't belong to. I think that makes the game more interesting the next time the rules have to be referenced. Although it has been a long while since I have read the karmic reincarnation rule book, I do not believe that one can be reincarnated into a lifeless object such as a toilet. I think that no matter how low on the evolutionary chain one is reincarnated as it has to be some sort of living thing otherwise one cannot die and try again. I think the lowest level of reincarnation would be some sort of easily crushable single celled organism. An organism that lives on the bottom of shoes perhaps. Each time someone steps down on the soles of their New Balance millions of the little buggers are crushed. Their life span is one to three seconds, depending on the speed of the person wearing the shoes. They are quickly replaced by millions more, but the process just keeps happening over and over again and nothing interesting ever happens to them. The next rung would be something more complicated, but only slightly, and still pretty gross as far as life forms go, like a garden slug. From there maybe one can come back as an insect. Then the next step up you might achieve reptile status. From there one might graduate to being a bird. If one does well being a bird they can be entered into the mammal lottery. This is high on the ladder, but still takes many rungs to get to the top. The top would be humans, and a lucky few might go from being a wren to a person, but not many. Some will have to take their turn being a lesser mammal. Some will have to be wildebeests, and those bastards get eaten by everything. Eventually everyone makes it to human. From there one thinks that they have it made, but many humans are simply awful and it takes some many, many tries to get it right. If one passes all the levels he or she gets to become an enlightened being. Doesn't that sound like fun?

JP Garwood

2015-09-14

Dear JP,

This is what Trump is saying... 1, Replace the Iran treaty 2. Build a border wall and make Mexico pay for it 3. Bring jobs back lost to Mexico, China, etc. 4. Take care of our veterans 5. Send illegals back 6. Stop protecting other countries like Saudi Arabia, Kuwait & South Korea 7. Build up our military again instead of downsizing 8. Stop sending billions of dollars in foreign aid to countries that hate us. How can any American with a pulse disagree?

Signed,

Every American

2015-08-29


Anyone can say anything. How one plans to accomplish the things that they say is another story. So far Mr. Trump's plan seems to be, "I can do anything because I am the best at everything". A wall spanning the length of the border between the U.S. and Mexico sounds like a large project. I think Mexico might say "no" to paying for it, but do not fear because Donald Trump is the best at getting countries to pay for walls. Replace the Iran treaty with what? Why with something better. That is a brilliant idea. After we do that we should replace everything else with something better as well. Things that are better are, well, better. How is this to be done? Don't fear, Mr. Trump is the best at making things better than they are in their current state. How did he get to be the best at everything? Either by being in the real estate business, or by just saying he is, or a combination of both. Mr. Trump can say anything he chooses. I have not heard a plan for any of it. I am still on the side that thinks he just might be a big asshole.

JP Garwood

2015-09-14

Dear JP,

how is the perception of time different for a hummingbird, a tortoise, and a human?

Signed,

Farmer DeLeo

2015-08-29


Tortoises and hummingbirds have no need for time other than the difference between day and night. Neither one of those two animals have ever cared once in the history of their species when 1:30 occurred. Only humans have this sort of perception of time. Only we care about things like getting to the bakery when it first opens. Only we care about things like having the lawnmower repaired and returned by Thursday. Only we know what "Thursday" means. We understand that our time is limited, ad so we have become fascinated with the time we get. We must get to the dentist by 4:00. "Fast and Furious 7" starts precisely at 9:25, and so we must be there at least twenty minutes early. If we are not at soccer practice at exactly 3:15 the coach will not let us start the game that happens three days from now. The hummingbird and tortoise never think such thoughts. It may be because they are incapable of such advanced thinking, but it also might be because time doesn't really matter as much as we think it does. It also may be that hummingbirds and tortoises are not the target audience for "Fast and Furious" movies.

JP Garwood

2015-09-10

Dear JP,

Why did you have an account on Ashley Madison?

Signed,

One Fly Mutha

2015-08-28


I don't think I did. It would not have done me any good. I am terribly shy by nature. When dealing with people that I can neither see or verify as real I am even more shy. So shy in fact that if I tried to talk to someone on Ashley Madison or any such site, I would need to wear a bag on my head, and perhaps one on my mailbox as well. I would not know what to say, as I find myself not knowing what to say in most situations. That is why I have a "go to" phrase that I use when I feel myself starting to panic. When I find myself unable to think of what to say in a conversation, I say "We wouldn't have such a problem with prison overcrowding if they just built the prisons bigger". After saying this I like to run as fast as I can in the opposite direction of the person I am talking to. It works about seven times out of ten.

JP Garwood

2015-09-10

Dear JP,

I've heard it said that there is no sweeter taste than the blood of thine enemies, however, after sampling said life-juice of several of my fallen adversaries I gotta say, it don't taste-a so good. Perhaps with some Splenda?

Signed,

Joe

2015-08-26


Take this as the strongest advice a person like me can give to someone who has caused several enemies to fall, nothing tastes better with Splenda. The stuff gives everything that "hint of poison" taste that makes food and beverage off-putting. If put into coffee it makes the coffee undrinkable. If put into yogurt I would have to question your moral character. If put on top of fruit, such as berries or perhaps a peach, you should have all your rights revoked and be forced to earn them back with a series of challenges. I can see no reason that someone would want everything to taste like diet soda, which Splenda does to things. I say stay away from the stuff. If you must sample something from fallen adversaries try looking to see if they had a lunch with them. This might contain parts or perhaps all of something worth eating. At least a granola bar or maybe a plastic baggie full of grapes.

JP Garwood

2015-09-02

Dear JP,

I have a guy friend who is gay and is in a long-term relationship with a male transvestite. I've always teased my friend that he was a closet hetero. I just found out that my friend's tranny partner had a sex change and that they are going to get married. My friend is also very involved in gay-pride organizations. Will he need to give-up his gay membership now that he will be married to a woman? Was he always straight and just lying about it? I'm so confused.

Signed,

Donald Trump, America's last hope.

2015-08-26


Some people are hard to understand. Some people are very hard to understand. Some people just defy understanding. Just take comfort in the fact that this in no way effects you, how you go about your day, or what brand of dog food you may choose. Your friend will not be asked to give up his membership, as it turns out there is no such thing. It actually turns out that people are just people no matter what.

JP Garwood

2015-09-01

Dear JP,

Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?

Signed,

Dora

2015-08-26


I have studied all the clues and listened to as much a cappella music as I can stand and have deduced that she must be in either Dublin, Ireland, or New Hope, PA. I know that when I heard the recording of her speaking to her agent on the phone that there was the distinct sound of glasses and plates being clinked in the background. I know that in both New Hope and Dublin food and drink is served with both plates and glasses. This is how I know it must be one of these two places. I also think I heard a waiter, who sounded to me like he may have just recently lost some of the hair on his knuckles, say something in English. It could have been, "There is always a goat in that corner". I know that in Dublin and New Hope the majority of the people who speak out loud speak in English. She has to be in either one of these two areas. I would dispatch a team to both. Tell them to be on the lookout for Carmen Sandiego, in case some of them don't know why they are going.

JP Garwood

2015-09-01

Dear JP,

Everytime I go to the diner and order my coffee BLACK, they give it to me with a spoon in it. Why do they insist on giving me coffee with a goddamn SPOON marinating in it if they damn well KNOW I ain't gonna be stirring in no damn cream or sweetener?

Signed,

Jake Hilarious

2015-08-25


In some countries it is considered good luck to receive a piece of silverware in your drink. In Armenia they put small forks in the lemonade. In parts of western Canada Shirley Temples are served with melon ballers in the glass. The French are fond of serving lime fizzes with butter knives. I am sure that this is the reason you are getting the spoon. It is either that or they think you are one of those people who are going to put your own cream and sugar in your coffee because you don't trust anyone else to get it just right. People like that are also quite often from France.

JP Garwood

2015-09-01

Dear JP,

What kind on underoos did you have as a kid? I had Teddy Roosevelt and JD Rockefeller.

Signed,

Donald Trump, America's last hope.

2015-08-21


I had the Incredible Hulk, and to be honest I was disappointed in them. Other Underoos created the likeness of the superhero's costume that they represented. The Spider-Man Underoos looked like Spider-man's costume, the Aquaman Underoos looked like Aquaman's costume, and so on. Not so for the Incredible Hulk Underoos. Instead of having a bare green chest for an Underoo shirt, it was just a white shirt with a small picture of the Hulk on the left breast area. This made it seem less like the wearer was the Hulk, and more like he was wearing the gym uniform of an Incredible Hulk themed prep school. I never had another pair of Underoos. To this day I am the only person I know with a disappointing Underoos story.

JP Garwood

2015-09-01

Dear JP,

What is the progenitor of the domestic cow?

Signed,

Farmer DeLeo

2015-08-20


Most likely it was an African buffalo. This is not to be confused with the French Buffalo, which is not at all a buffalo, and most of the time not even a real thing. There was probably a time many years back in the history of both man and buffalo that the two creatures were at odds. Buffalo liked being able to roam the lush grasslands and keep their herd intact, and humans liked throwing sharp sticks at buffalo and killing them in order to keep from starving to death. The buffalo were probably a fearsome lot. They had great long horns, and were deceptively fast for a large creature, the way a professional football lineman is. Hunting these animals may have proven rather dangerous to the slightly built, and hornless, humans. So, some of them got the idea that it would be a whole lot easier to hunt these buffalo if they were slow and stupid, and had no idea that they were supposed to run from human hunters. They searched out what appeared to be the meekest of the buffalo herds, probably making some dreadful mistakes along the way with an occasional sleeping toughy, and somehow got them back to the human living area. These meek buffalo were mated with other meek buffalo until the result was the incredibly meek, incredibly stupid cow we have today. This gave humans meat, and eventually milk, cheese, and blue ribbons at 4-H fairs. We had begun to domesticate the animals for our food. We soon conquered the pigs, chickens, and turkeys. This would lead to our modern holidays of Thanksgiving, Chicken Day, and Hamoween.

JP Garwood

2015-09-01

Dear JP,

Why would anybody not believe that Hillary Clinton is just a bold-faced liar?

Signed,

Donald Trump, America's last hope.

2015-08-18


She doesn't really have a bold face. Her face is round and kind of cherub-like. You may say her face looks insincere. You may say her face looks lovely. However you would not say that her face looks bold. She just doesn't have a bold face. Many people do not. This is why some people would be under the belief that she is not a bold-faced liar. The phrase "cherub-faced liar" doesn't exist but if it did it would be way more apt in this situation.

JP Garwood

2015-08-25

Dear JP,

How time is it?

Signed,

Girl in Seat #3

2015-08-13


Right now it is 10:44 AM, but it won't be for long. It is this way because at this time each day it is always 10:44 AM with time running out, except in daylight savings time (or perhaps daylight losings time, I am not sure which is which), when it is 9:44 AM. We make this change strictly because we want to. It has no bearing on anything. I think we like the excuse to pretend we are tired after losing one hour of sleep over a weekend. That way on Monday we can go to work and tell everyone we are so tired, when in fact the vast majority of us feel exactly the same as we always do. For some that is actually tired, so for them the change is meaningless, but at least they are not telling a fib.

JP Garwood

2015-08-15

Dear JP,

Confederate Flag?

Signed,

Confederate Bob

2015-08-06


No thank you. I lived for a four year period in the South. I saw a few Confederate flags hung in windows and flown in front of houses. It was not a large group of people that did this, but there were some. These same people were fond of a phrase that went, "The South's gonna do it again". I was never sure what exactly the South was going to do again. When I posed the question to a proud Confederate flag waver they were also unable to say with certainty what the South was going to do again. The answer wasn't slavery, I was assured of that. The answer also didn't seem to be to mount a failed rebellion against the nation. It was just a sense that the South was going to do something that they had once done, although it seemed as if they were still trying to figure out what form that would take. To me that is representative of the mindset of the people who wish to fly the Confederate flag. They call it Southern Pride, but nobody can really nail down what that means exactly. To them it is a great symbol, but they do not know of what it symbolizes, or at least can't put it into words. For the rest of us it is a symbol of the time when the Southern states couldn't stand not having slaves, and so the tried to leave the country. It didn't work. I believe that after it didn't work the flag should have been relegated to the past, and not hung on public buildings as a reminder that something terrible once happened and maybe we want that to happen again, or maybe not, we are not sure.

JP Garwood

2015-08-13

Dear JP,

I know what an asshole I am. Trust me. But way too many of those idiots who're gonna vote me don't know. How far can I go, do you think? What one unimaginable horror would it take for me to commit before I totally alienate the Republican base? And even then, even then, EVEN THEN, do you think that would do it?

Signed,

Donald Trump, Future Presidnet Of The Untied States of Amrica

2015-08-06


You won't alienate them completely. That isn't possible as long as you keep saying things that have no meaning. As long as you can say things like "Make America great again", and "Believe in the United States", then you will be fine. People, especially those in the Republican "base" love to hear meaningless phrases like that. That is not to say that those in the Democratic "base" don't like meaningless phrases as well. They are still suckers for things like "Believe in Hope" and "Free weed at my place". Whomever can master the art of talking while saying nothing will be the winner. You cannot fail as long as you keep to that mantra. It is also probably beneficial to your cause if you avoid murdering anyone.

JP Garwood

2015-08-12

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