10

Dear JP,

What is the difference between being "proactive" and "profilactive"?

Signed,

Comparison Girl

2014-12-24

Only one involves eating yogurt. The other involves making sure there is enough yogurt for everyone.

JP Garwood

2014-12-30

9

Dear JP,

What are the top ten best revenges?

Signed,

Roscoe

2014-05-12

In tenth place is Lilly Fillmore's revenge against her brother, Baluga Fillmore in the summer of 1980. After returning home from dance class to find all her Barbie dolls decapitated and placed in positions of compromise, Lilly planned her revenge carefully. A week later she found her brother playing in the garage with an old car tire. She took her position in a shrub just outside the garage door and when her brother exited the garage, she executed a perfect leg-out trip of him. Oh, the look on his face just before it hit the driveway and required dental surgery, priceless! The ninth best revenge that of the Sith on the Jedi. Granted it was a little drawn out, poorly acted, and strangely executed, but in the end the job got done, and all but the most influential and able Jedi were extinguished. In eighth place was the Jedi revenge on the Sith. Lets just say the payback was unforeseen by the Sith, who up to that point were pretty damn good at foreseeing things. The seventh best revenge came from Coca-Cola against Pepsi Cola. After the debacle of New Coke, Pepsi got all smug. That is when Coca-Cola sent a spy into the Pespsi organization, who carefully planted the seed of Pepsi Clear. Good one Coca-Cola, Pepsi Clear went on to be a sales and taste disaster. In sixth place was the revenge of Batman against The Penguin. The Penguin had kidnapped the daughter of a Gotham City policeman, and Batman had only one night to find her before the Penguin would have her killed and fed to his pet seals. Batman found him all right, under the zoo where he always was, and bet him senseless with his fists. I guess this really wasn't Batman's revenge, it was the policeman's, but Batman carried it out, so it counts in his ledger. Fifth best was Napolean's revenge against France. Whenever you can get revenge against an entire country at once it is pretty impressive. Napolean did, and that is why he is known in some circles today as Napolean Bonaparte. The fourth best revenge was that of the Africanized or "Killer" bees. They were created by humans for some strange reason, then escaped their creators. Now they have spread all over the warm regions of the Americas, and sting people to death. That is a tally on the side of all mankind's stupid creations. We ought to know better, but we still don't. The third best was the United States' revenge against Charlie Sheen. After his well-promoted descent into insanity, taking up every available airwave for a while, the United States chose to relegate him to obscurity. Sure, it is probably only temporary, but good for us. In second place is the United States, once again, on England for imposing a tax on tea, stamps, and other stuff we liked. Screw you England, we made a country for ourselves because we wanted to decide for ourselves when to tax tea, stamps, and other stuff we like. The best revenge ever has yet to take place, but it is well-known to be coming eventually. I am talking about God's revenge on us all for being human. Jesus will ride down on a big whtie horse, presumably one that has at least the temporary ability to fly, and smite the wicked, which is nearly everyone, with a big sword. Then many of us will be damned to eternal suffering. That will teach us to have been created by God as flawed copies of himself.

JP Garwood

2014-05-18

8

Dear JP,

What is that gesture that sometimes accompanies the middle finger? You know the one where you put one arm in the nook of the other elbow joint? If flipping someone the middle finger means "fuck you" what does the elbow gesture mean?

Signed,

Mr. Del

2014-07-21

I believe it is an intensifier. The gesture is often accompanied by a nonsense vaguely Italian sounding word like "stoomage" or "ah foogats". Sometimes people like to believe they are staying true to their ancestral heritage when in fact they are just pushing forward a stereotype. The middle finger does not actually mean anything other than what it is, a finger in the middle. It is a nice long one, and easy to see, so we started using it to offend other people, who most likely have a middle finger of their own. When telling someone "fuck you" wasn't good enough, someone thought to add another gesture on top of it. Crooking the arm around the other arm became a way of saying "extra fuck you". The gesture can either just be accepted, or volleyed back with a quick flick of the hand under the chin toward the person you intend to volley the "fuck you" back to. It is in this way that we see that the difference between humans and the so-called "lesser apes" is smaller than we'd like to believe.

JP Garwood

2014-07-24

7

Dear JP,

What's your spirit animal?

Signed,

Mr. Ruffles

2014-01-23

This is not an often asked question in most circles, however when one is asked the question I bet that most people assume their's is some majestic animal, like a lion or a giraffe, or perhaps the golden eagle. I am pretty sure that if I have on it is an animal that is not on anyone's wish list. I don't think mine to be a great predator, or a beautiful creature associated with dignity. I bet mine is a skunk. The kind of animal that is in no way thought of as fierce, but still other animals know not to screw around with it. The kind of animal that even the mighty bear sees and thinks "oh shit". I'd like to think it is the skunk that is helping me blaze my trail through life. It clears the path for me to follow. The other animals try very hard to pretend that they are not there, or not paying attention to the skunk, and every so often the skunk must remind them of why he commands respect. When he does everyone for a mile knows about it. Other people can have their tigers and horses, I will take the skunk. I know he just wants the others to leave him alone while he makes his way through the forest.

JP Garwood

2014-01-26

6

Dear JP,

Would you ever recommend jumping on the bandwagon? If so, what instrument do they need? after all who wants to be the 8th tuba player?

Signed,

Benjamin Goodman

2014-03-04

I bet it is hard to jump on a bandwagon while carrying a tuba, especially if there are already seven other guys with tubas up there. I would bring something light, easy to carry, that won't break if you fail at the first jump attempt. Forget a piano, that one is out right from the start. I bet bandwagons are made with a piano already in place for just that reason. I would consider a piccolo, not many people play one of those. However, they are probably expensive, and if that sucker breaks while you roll on the ground after a mis-timed jump, you are out the money and the fun. A triangle is a good bet, or a kazoo. You could probably manage a washboard, and not many bands have one of those these days. It is also best to bring an instrument that you have some knowledge of and ability to play. Nobody wants to be in a band with a shitty washboard player.

JP Garwood

2014-03-05

5

Dear JP,

Is it true that if you're stoned when you study then you need to be stoned when you take the test?

Signed,

¥asmine Bl€€th

2014-03-03

This is a myth. It doesn't help. First of all, let me make it clear to someone who may be new here, and isn't at all the type of person we usually get. When referring to "stoned" we are speaking of a self-imposed inebriated state. Not at all like the Biblical sense of "stoned". If that were the case I think that taking the test would be the very least of your worries. You may not have survived the study process. This "stoned" could be a state created by various substances, none of them stone....... It is not true that you must be in a similar state of mind when you take a test than you were in when you studied for it. If that were the case if you studied with the flu, you would hope you still had the flu when you took the test. Nobody wishes for continued flu. This is most likely a myth created by someone who both studied and took a test while stoned and did just fine. There is not much evidence other than "it works sometimes" to go on. Some people are just not that bright, and aren't going to do well on the test no matter what they try. Some people will try this stoned method, and their minds will wander during the test, and their essay question about the Populist movement of the 1840's will have Star Wars references in it. Like most things, it ends up being about the individual. Some peope will do just fine if they study and take a test while stoned. Some people will not. Nothing works for everybody all the time.

JP Garwood

2014-03-05

4

Dear JP,

Are you afraid of CHUDs?

Signed,

pj doowrag

2014-08-07

While I don't walk around in a constant state of panic, as that makes others believe you may be a psychopath, I think a man would be a fool not to have a healthy fear of the CHUDs. The bastards live underground, otherwise their name would be CHADs. Things that live underground are hard to detect. If you don't believe me try walking through your backyard and raise your right hand every time you are sure you are above an earthworm. The CHUDs are also cannibalistic, ergo the "C" in their name. If there is one way I don't want to die it is in the electric chair. If there is a second way I do not want to die it is being eaten alive by underground dwellers. The CHUDs are also humanoid, which is like a human, only grossly reptilian. They probably smell bad for this reason, and because they have bits of regular human stuck in their teeth. I am afraid of the CHUDs. I have no reason not to be. I am sure that I am delicious. I have eaten enough ice cream and strawberries in my life that I am sure I have marinated quite well. I will not let them dictate my life, but I will always keep one eye out for them. The other eye will still be looking for things like oncoming traffic, hot chicks, bargains, lightning bugs, and dog shit.

JP Garwood

2014-08-09

3

Dear JP,

Which is a more witty example of the police's clever rhyming skills: Click It or Ticket - or - Drive Sober or Get Pulled Over?

Signed,

Mark

2014-10-27

Without a doubt it is "Click It or Ticket", that is a much better use of a rhyme. The drive sober one is far too wordy. These two examples are not the only ones in which the police have used rhyme to get their point across. They are just two of the more popular ones. The police have used rhyme for a long time, and many of the rhymes were not memorable so they got lost to time. Not many people remember "Jaywalking is Death Stalking", "Turnstyle Jumping gets you a Thumping", or "Stop the Arson Johnny Carson". These were all used at one time or another to get people to obey the law, but the campaigns were short lived. I am sure that there are teams of rhyming police on the job right now developing the latest rhymes in the war on crime. We will just have to wait and see what they come up with, and if it is effective in preventing people from doing bad things.

JP Garwood

2014-10-28

2

Dear JP,

How bad does something have to stink before it reaches high heaven?

Signed,

Mark

2014-07-21

It has to be pretty bad. There are three levels of heaven that have to be cleared before high heaven can be reached. The first level of heaven, reserved for those people who were fairly nice during their lives, but also kind of boring, houses smells like dirty socks, burnt toast, and wet dog. These are not great smells, but they aren't really all that horrible either. A little air freshener usually does the trick. The second level of heaven, known as The Mezzanine, is reserved for those who were nice during their lives, and were known to have mild bits of fun, like jumping through sprinklers. The smells housed their include garlic breath, submarine sandwich, and day old, unrefrigerated oyster stew. These odors are a little more unpleasant, but a good scented candle can erase the smell after a few hours. The third level of heaven, just below the grand upper deck, housing people like heroes of social justice and saints nobody has ever heard of, keeps all manners of farts, dog feces, mulch, and expired chocolate milk. These are nasty smells. These are the types of smells that cause you to get angry, even though the anger does nothing to rid yourself of the problem. The only thing that works in these situations is removing the stinky item from the location, and bagging it tightly in something non-porous. The last level of heaven, high heaven, where all the good saints and grand spiritual entities live, is reserved for the worst of smells. Here is where things like decaying dead bodies, skunk spray, and chum buckets are kept. High heaven is an indescribably terrible smelling place. Luckily, those in heaven do not have the ability to smell. That is shed along with the mortal coil. They can romp around in the stink for all eternity and it never so much as makes their eyes water. This is one of the reasons that the living cannot enter heaven. If we did we would be so put off by the smells that we would never want to return. This would book us a room in hell, where it might smell like roses and baking brownies, but you have to do yard work for all eternity.

JP Garwood

2014-07-24

1

Dear JP,

I've heard about people doing things 'feverishly', meaning quickly and determined. However whenever I have had a fever, I just want to lay about and do nothing, which seems to be the opposite of behaving 'feverishly'. Am I fevering incorrectly?

Signed,

One Fly Mutha

2014-03-27

You must be. The last time I had a fever I ran in two 5Ks that I read about in the paper while finishing my book for children, "If You Pick Your Scabs Koalas Die of Cancer: Ten Amazing Things That May Be True but Probably Aren't". I remember when my fever broke how disappointed I was in the lack of creativity. This is why now when I am feeling uninspired I strap a Breathe Right strip to my nose and hang out in the emergency room.

JP Garwood

2014-04-11