JP Garwood's Top 10 Ask JPs of 2002
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hello....jp..i have a question i am tryin ti type fast and spell everything correctly cuzz i want u to be embressed...ok well here goes my questin...what do u do when the chicken croses the road...do u run it over or do u pick it up an dplace it on the other side? thancks for ur time Signed, dee riss and abby.......guess witch one? 07/10/02 Your typing and spelling are better than ever, I am very embressed. When the chicken crosses the road, I pick it up. Running it over would not teach it a lesson in my opinion. The chicken has to understand why he can't go in the road. Hurting the chicken by running over it, or pouncing on it and putting his little chicken body into a full nelson, will only teach him that violence is an exceptable solution to problems. No, I pick the little guy up, look at him sternly right in the eyes, and tell him exactly what he did wrong, and why it is dangerous. Then we go back to my place and play cards until the sun goes down, and he must go out and howl at the moon. JP Garwood 07/13/02 |
Can you please explain to me just what exactly a semi-colon is for? Signed, Roscoe 10/25/02 A semi-colon is used in situations such as these.... Let's say me and my dog are at the playground when we see a lovely young lady coming our way. She is dressed in a lovely white sundress, with a matching bonnet and parasol. She is whistling quietly the theme from Star Wars, and I know, as does my dog, that this is the woman for me. So, I crouch down behind a rock, so that she won't see me, and let my dog go up to her. You know to sniff her and stuff. Then, if she passes the dogs test, I appear from behind the rock and say something witty. Just to show how learned I am, and how in touch I am with today's high-powered grammar, I throw her a little semi-colon. Like this... Hey; baby, I noticed you were whistling the theme to Star; Wars. How would you like to meet Chewbacca in; person? I can arrange that. He is a close; personal friend of mine. After that we go have some cookies and lemonade. She will still be swooning over me dazzling use of semi-colons. We laugh the night away, and then we go to see Chewbacca the next day, and he of course steals her away from me. No one uses semi-colons like that damn Chewbacca. JP Garwood 10/26/02 |
If "God" loves everybody so damn much, then what's with all the retards? Signed, Satan, the great Misunderstood 01/14/02 Well first of all, I think that someone handed us false information about God loving us. I think he may have liked us a little, but then found a species he really fell halo over heals for. As for the retards, that is a question that has plagued man for years. Flip Very, a respected college professor and author wrote an excellent book titled, "Damned If I Know: Why Do We Have Retards?". In his book Very claims he is not to blame for the retardation of human beings, and that there quite possibly could be a medical explaination. He also hints that wizards may have some information they are not revealing. I highly recommend Mr. Very's book. I also encourage you to read some of his other titles. They include "Don't Look at Me: A Look at the Origins of The Ebola Virus", "I've Got Nothing: One Man's Probe Into The Disappearance of Jimmy Hoffa", and his Pulitzer winning "I Guess, Maybe: Did Vikings Create the Crack Problem in Urban America". JP Garwood 01/18/02 |
If you were rich, would you pay $20 million to go up in space? Signed, Frankie Moonpepper 03/24/02 If I were really rich, I would pay $40 million to have space brought to me. JP Garwood 03/25/02 |
So is this it for the Face? Signed, That guy at the gas station. 06/23/02 Yeah. Although there were designs to improve it, this is it. Each face will come standard with two eyes, a single nose, and a mouth consisting of a two lip set. Men will get the facial hair option. JP Garwood 06/23/02 |
What is the connection between Bunnys and Eggs...in reference to Easter? Signed, The Great Pagano 04/09/02 On the third day after the death of Jesus, a small bunny appeared outside his tomb to express his sorrow over the untimely death of the great man. To his horror he found the stone, which served to seal the tomb, rolled away and the tomb empty save for some beer bottles and a copy of "Outdoor Living". An angel appeared before the tomb and asked the bunny what was it he was searching for. The bunny spoke of his intentions to mourn for Jesus. "Why do you search for the living amoung the dead"? Was the angel's response. It was true, Jesus had up and resurrected. "You may find him in Jerusulam, with his apostles. He is hungry, but a little untrusting of everyone right now. If you could bring him an egg, hard-boiled as that is how he likes it, but color it pretty colors so he may know you to be a friend, he would apprecitate it very much I am sure." spoke the angel. So the bunny did as he was instructed and it was so groovy to meet Jesus, that he decided he would do this egg thing every year. Of course Jesus wasn't going to be around, but at least others could kind of get the feeling. JP Garwood 04/10/02 |
The mere thought of a button makes my gag. For as long as I can remember, I have always been like this. Any theories? Signed, Uncle Chuck. 08/27/02 Dr. Emil Account, professor of clothing studies at The Burger King Insitute of Middle Rung Learning, has a theory that certain articles of clothing can cause adverse conditions in certain people. He calls these people "weak", or "whimpy", and the theory may extend to smaller portions of clothing such as buttons or snaps. In a case study done on several 7th grade students, albeit against their will, Dr. Account found that pants cause fear over all other articles of clothing. However, when he entered the room in only a shirt, the kids were said to be horrified. It may have been the buttons on his shirt. They were slightly larger than normal buttons, plus they had sort of a sunburst look to them, ont really matching the blue pinstriped shirt he was wearing. More studies will need to be done in order to narrow down just what is so scary about certain pieces of clothing. I think he has a test lined up for a group on nuns next Saturday, plus a bachelor party and a youth group lined up for next week. We should know more soon. JP Garwood 08/28/02 |
Can I get a price check on my Cock? Signed, BBB 01/22/02 Yes, and it will be accurate and updated as the new "Body Parts Price Guide 2002" is out in stores right now. Did you know that Pete Rose's neck, in mint condition, can fetch up to $4000? Marlon Brando's left eye is $150, while his right eye, often referred to as his "finer eye", is $325. My knees are $500 each, or just $850 for the set. Mr. Millard Justwagon, of Florida, can sell his cheek, still in very good condition, for nine cents and a stick of gum. I suggest buying the price guide, then you'll get the answer to your question, plus so much more. JP Garwood 01/26/02 |
I really really hate it when I puke and some of it comes up my nose. Do you really hate that? Signed, Bush Daughter 08/20/02 Of course I do. However, unlike you, I went and did something about it. Using space-age technology, and a little borrowed from golden age, I have invented nose plugs that work from the inside out. They are meant to block liquids from entering the nasal passage. They work remarkably well. I admit I needed to do a little animal experimentation. I gave several rats nice glasses of milk. Then the experimental group got the nose plugs. The control group received nothing (except for a control group T-shirt upon the conclusion of the experiment). I told them very funny antecdotes about my relatives, and one really good one about Peru, and then closed with my rendition of "Who's on First". The rats were rolling in the aisles. Actually, they were just rolling around on the garage floor, as my garage contains no aisles. Then it happened. By the 78th time I said, "Third Base!", milk was pouring from the control rats noses. The nose plugged rats, although in hysterics, remained liquid free in the nose department. I believe you will agree with me in that rats can be trusted to give reliable results. They are much like humans. So, the experiment being a success, I sent the rats on their way, and cleaned my garage. After that, I applied for a patent, and it should be here soon. If you would like to keep puke, or other unwanted liquids, out of your nose, then I suggest you purchase some plugs for the low price of $99.50. If you order in the next 7 minutes, I will throw in a rice cooker and a Jaques Cousteau bobble-head doll. That is an unbelievable value for just $99.95. Act now. JP Garwood 08/23/02 |
I am thinking of starting a webcam site, for the sexy yet senior woman at my mother-in-laws nursing home. Their ages will range from 73- 104. Any suggestions for the name of the Cam portal? Signed, Powdered Breast Milk 05/30/02 Geriatrixxx JP Garwood 06/01/02 |
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