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The Adult Test

2005-11-27


More and more lately I am running into people my age, or older, and wondering how in the hell they have gotten this far in life without being run over by a train. These people are everywhere, but seem to frequent supermarkets and bars. They wear tee-shirts or leather jackets with Tweety Bird or Yosemite Sam on them. Their cars have sayings like "No Fear" or "Mean Machine". They talk loudly of football, and their opinions of things are handed to them by television news. Yet they, like me and you, are considered adults. They have the right to drive cars, own guns, and what is worse they get to vote and reproduce.

I also know a few people below the arbitrary age of 18 that have informed opinions on things other than the New York Giants or Oprah Winfrey. They can engage in conversation without mentioning professional poker or sitcoms. They are smarter, funnier, and more well-rounded than many people in their 40's, 50's, or whatever, but because of the age restrictions they are considered non-adults, and cannot have checking accounts.

So, what to do about this situation. I have drafted a letter to the President. It took me some time to make sure it contained no words more than two syllables. I am asking for an "Adult Test" that can be taken by any person, at any age, depending on when they believe they are ready. If the test is passed, then you are an adult, and may vote, or have a checking account. If it is not passed, then you have all the rights of a child, which are none save that you are protected from bad guys.

The test would be quite simple. Just a series of objective questions, maybe true or false, or multiple choice. Perhaps there would be an essay question or two at the end. Maybe five essay questions from which the test taker may choose any two. The questions would be about how to handle yourself in daily life. If you are six years old, and believe you can pass the test, then you may take it. If you are forty-seven years old and still have yet to pass the test, you may take it as many times as you wish. However, you have no rights until you pass it.

I will put a few sample questions on the "Writngs of JP Garwood" section of the site. Take some time to read over them, and see how well you do. There will be no upside down answers at the bottom of the page or any of that nonsense. You have to answer all the questions, not just the odd numbered ones. If you leave one blank, it will be considered wrong. I have no doubt that anyone reading this could easily pass the test. Good luck.

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