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What the Pizza Man Said (A True Story)


Those that know me know that I am a charitable sort of person. I believe in helping out where I can, as long as I am not asked to touch any old people. I figured one of the best non-old people touching ways I could be of some use is to work with groups of children. I like the naivety and honesty of children, it keeps me humble. So, I recently found myself working with a group of elementary school children in Scotch Plains, NJ, of all places.

At the beginning of our time together we set a goal. If homework could get done correctly, and behavioral issues were kept at a minimum, then after one month's time we would have a party, and I would spring for the pizza for everyone. It seemed like a good idea, but little did I know.......

My friends, our society feels like it must always have something to hate, something to rally around to make us feel better about ourselves. As a hateful society we take turns choosing our enemy. Sometimes it is homosexuals, other times we choose to hate the media, the "Hollywood Elite", the pot smokers, the apathetic youth, liberals, conservatives, and on and on. I tell you it is not any of these groups that is the real enemy. The real enemy is assholes. There is no other word for them. Assholes are ruining American life, and have been since its conception. Assholes have a choke hold on our society, and we have to rest our collective faces in their sweaty, hairy armpits. While I do not have the time to reveal the identity of all of the assholes you should be wary of, I can tell you about the one that fits into my little story of the pizza party.

Our goal was achieved with relative ease. The children's report cards were good, and behavior was really a non-issue. I was happy to throw a little celebratory party. The party would be set for a Monday. Now, there are a lot of kids in the program. I would need a rather large pizza order. So I decided to call on Saturday and give them a 48 hour heads up on 10 large pies. I called Maria's Resturaunt in Scotch Plains, and spoke with the proprieter, the lovely Mike. I do not feel bad for saying the name of the place and owner, as his name, business, and picture are readily available on the internet already. I told Mike that I would need about ten large pies at about 1 PM on Monday. He said he may have trouble doing that. I understood. That was a rather large order, and he has other customers to worry about. Then he asked who this was for. Since the children's program is run by the YMCA, I told him the YMCA. He told me "I hate the fucking YMCA, man. I no make for the YMCA. Go fuck yourself, and tell them to go fuck themselves.". He then hung up.

While I am used to dealing with assholes, as it happens quite often, I was still taken back by what had just transpired. A friend of mine was in my living room and I told him of the conversation. He agreed with me that it was uncalled for. I called back Maria's Resturaunt. A woman answered the phone, I guess the lovely Mike was too busy stuffing stromboli for his non-childcare working customers. I said "Let me talk to the asshole that just told me to go fuck myself". Somehow she knew exactly who that person must be, and gave me to Mike. I said "Hey, Dickhead", and that was all I could get out before he ranted at me a second time.

"I hate fucking YMCA man. I no make for YMCA. I got nothing against you guy. Don't call here anymore.". This is what he said to me in our second conversation.

He has nothing against me? He told me to go fuck myself. I tried to butt into his ranting and tell him the pizza was for a group of children, and not the YMCA elite or whatever he thought, but he would not let me speak. He hung up on me a second time.

I have never been known as a man of action. No one really ever calls old JP when it is time to take up arms. However, today I begin my crusade to wipe out assholism. My goal will be to make America a nicer place to be, by eliminating those who would make us feel miserable for no apparant reason other than "hate". ("I hate fucking YMCA man"). I ask you, the good readers of JP Garwood, even though you may only be 3 or 4, to aid me in my crusade. I ask you to pledge not to turn the other cheeck any longer. No longer say to yourself, "Well the guy is just an asshole. I can't do anything about it." It is time to turn the mirror on the assholes. It is time to make them feel as they make us feel. It is time to become aggressive in the face of the rising tide of assholism. Please pledge to fight the assholes in ways they would least expect, as they are easily blindsided due to the fact that they believe no one will fuck with them. I plan to order 10 pizzas from Maria's Resturaunt under a false company lunch ruse. I will arrive 15 minutes late to pick them up to ensure that they are all done. I will ask "Are they all done?" When the confirmation is given I plan on saying "Good, now go fuck yourself" and walking out with the most delicious look of satisfaction on my face. Will his assholism end then and there? I doubt it, but the first shot will have been fired in Great Asshole Revolution.

Try hard to invent ways to combat assholes where and when you encounter them. They are everywhere. They are in our pizza places, supermarkets, parking lots, high school tennis match grand stands, bagel shops, petting zoos, ............. It will be a long, hard fight, as assholes are not known for giving up easily. Luckily, due to their brash nature, assholes are not united. They can be stopped one by one, and we will never have to battle a unified front. Let us take America for those that would have it be a kind, mellow, non-abbrasive place to live and work. Hey, to get things started, why don't you come by my place for some Pre-Revolution coffee and danish, on me. Good luck, my friends. home page - Buy JP Garwood Stuff

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