The world loves... JP Garwood

An Appeal on Behalf of Myself


My life keeps me quite busy. If I'm not answering questions I can surely be found mowing something, or testing the effects of various art mediums on marine mammals. In recent years I have rarely had the chance to stop and reflect upon what my life has become, and in what direction it is headed.

However the other day (no not that day, the other, other day) I banged my shin on my Arthur Fonzarelli Fog Machine (tm), and needed to recover for several hours on the couch. During this period of stillness my mind took inventory of those things my life has given me, and cross-referenced them with my hopes and dreams of yesteryear.

It turns out that there is a lack of love in my life. A lack of a "certain someone" with which to share my triumphs and catastrophes. I could have sworn that I had a girlfriend, but thinking about it now it very well could just have been the shadow of my Suzanne Vega figurine. Sort of makes me embarassed at all the time and money I spent on her, and all those goofy love poems.....

I have decided that I am at a point in my life's journey in which I am prepared to settle down with a kind, loving woman of less than 7 feet tall. Therefore, I make this appeal to the ladies on behalf of myself.

Ladies, I am an honest and compassionate man, yet still macho and rugged as all get out. I enjoy nature, especially quiet, woodsy areas, yet I still know the value of a good parking lot. I love children, dogs, bubble letters, and kelp. I seem to be making a good living, although I'm not sure what it is I do exactly. I'm a shy person by nature, and tend to be pretty quiet in social situations, especially around strangers. However, I do not get all sweaty and/or pass out if required to make a new acquaintance. I have an unlimited capacity for love, and an almost unlimited capacity for jumping-jacks. I would treat a woman like a queen. The queen of a cool place too, not some rip-off place like Norway. My heart would belong to my lady, and upon my death she could use the other parts of me for research, or arts and crafts, or whatever.

I don't wish to grow old alone, as old people are crabby enough without a sense of loneliness. Potential ladies of mine can contact me through the Fat Raleigh/JP Garwood Forum, but please understand that there are some languages that I fail to understand. I'll be here waiting for you patiently. I've got plenty of magazines and word search puzzles to do while I await your arrival. Until then, my dearest, fare thee well.

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